A friend asked me for a phone number a day or two ago and I said I didn’t have it but I knew someone who did and gave him that phone number. He called the mutual friend who declared, “I gave that number to him last week.” The first friend called me back to tell me this and I suppose expected some measure of guild from me in that I had lost the number or, more likely, had written it down and forgotten where I had put it. He got no satisfaction on the guilt front. I learned that lesson not long after I was diagnosed with ADHD. Soon after I heard one of the top experts on ADHD in Canada talk about the difference in treating adults with ADHD and treating children. “The main difference,” he said, “is that with the adults you have to deal with the self-esteem issues that have built up over a lifetime and if you don’t do this, you never get anywhere with treatment. With the kids they haven’t had time to suffer all the knocks and disappointments that lead to low self-esteem.”
I have never forgotten this and although I can still do a number on myself over some mistake or misplaced object, I rarely let someone else get away with it. My reply to the mutual friend was simply, “Whether I got it from him before or not is irrelevant. What I said was that I don’t have it now.”
My close friends know that this sort of statement means the issue is closed, certainly as far as I’m concerned but the odd one, usually someone who doesn’t know me well will persist. It happened to me a few weeks ago. Someone whom I have known for a long time but not well asked me to ask another mutual friend to call him when I saw him next. I stated that I would not remember. He persisted, more-or-less along the referred guilt path with a statement like, “What do you mean you won’t remember?”
I replied, “I don’t know how I can make it any clearer. I wont remember.”
He still wasn’t buying it and said, “Okay I’ll call you and remind you.”
Now I had him and I knew as sure as I knew I wouldn’t remember the first message that he wouldn’t remember to call to remind me and sure enough he didn’t.
I don’t really get angry in these circumstances…unless pressed. At least I have stopped getting angry, for the most part, at myself. Oh it does happen occasionally but it passes quickly but not nearly as quickly as any referred guilt from someone else. I guess you could say this is my contribution to my own self esteem and when I am diligent about it, it works.